30 Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day 19

 

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Day Nineteen

Post a photo of someone close to you who has passed. Write a letter to them.

{  Me with both of my boys. <3  }

Dear Liam,

Sometimes, I look at your brother & my heart fills with so much love for him I think I could burst. Then, this dark feeling creeps in & I wonder what my heart would feel like with you here, too. I know there are no answers for these morbid questions that lurk in the depths of my heart, but they are still there & they come creeping out whenever they feel like it.

I feel blessed to know you. To have had you. You taught me so many things about myself. I never knew the true meaning of unconditional love until I held you...& then lost you in my arms.

I imagine you running around in the cool green grass with Collin in Great Gramma Sanford's backyard. The crystal blue lake glistening behind you. The sun beaming down on your face...reaching every crevice giving you an angelic glow. Giggling as Collin chases you around & around the yard until you both are dizzy & fall to the floor in fits of laughter.

I imagine that you would call me Mommy, but Collin would call me Mama.

I imagine the admiration on Collin's face as he watches his big brother grow & learn.

I imagine you filled with excitement on Christmas morning not waiting for Dad & I before tearing into your first gift & then slowing down, only for a moment to help Collin with his.

I imagine the fights the two of you will have. First over toys, then girls.

You'll never get to experience these things. That is so hard for me to accept. Even still.

I miss you so. More today than yesterday.

Love,

Mommy

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Eighteen

 

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Oh, yes. I went there. Can you believe this shizz, ladies?

Day Eighteen

Post a photo of your biggest insecurity. Why are you insecure about this particular thing? What can you do to change it? Do you want to change it?

I have been dreading this day since I began the challenge. I have three, very large insecurities. My stretch marks, my eye wrinkles (I have some serious eye wrinkles, yo) & my moles (moley, moley, moley...couldn't resist, sorry). It would have been so easy to blog about the last two. I wouldn't have to post a gross photo & I could move on with the challenge. But I knew the second I read the challenge, that I wanted to do this. It would put me way out....we are talking Timbuktu...of my comfort zone, but I knew it would also be a step towards helping me conquer this insecurity. Besides, this is supposed to be a challenge. Tell me what will be more challenging than clicking the publish post button after I finish this blog?!?!? Could you do it?

I have a love/hate relationship with my stretch marks. Before I had Collin, I embraced them. They were the only proof that Liam was here. That he, at one time, was growing inside my belly, getting stronger & I was, at one time, filled with hopes & dreams for him. These Liam marks, were also only on my sides. I didn't get any on my tummy...until my monster child. My nine pound baby boy ,Collin. He stretched my stomach to it's limit. Literally. My belly button had popped out at seven months & my skin was stretched so far, it was painful. The slightest touch of my jeans sent me into a fit of dry heaves.

You can see my hair follicles, people! How much farther stretched can a woman get?! This was 20 days before I had Collin. Oh, & the

deep red??? That is not an edit. That was really what I looked like. If it looks painful, that's because it was.

These marks have left deep grooves in my skin. I know I will never, ever have the stomach I once did. When I finally lose all the weight I want to (OMG, are the holiday foods killing anyone else's diets), I know my old body is forever gone. I love my stretch marks, in that they are my way of having Collin & Liam with me forever. I hate them because I will never be able to wear a bikini & feel comfortable again. At least, not in front of strangers....then again, I never in a million years thought I'd be posting photos of said stretch marks.

I guess I'm well on my way to acceptance.

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Seventeen

 

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My Daddy's hip. Once it was pieced together after a car accident.

Day Seventeen

Post a photo of something that has made an impact on your life recently. Why did this impact you? Was it negatively or positively? What did it make you change in yourself?

I don't know what recently is supposed to mean in this prompt. Recently can be five years or five days. To me, this was recent. It is still in my head, dwelling like it was yesterday.

My Daddy (yes, I still call my father Daddy) has been a diabetic his entire life. He was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes when he was....six, I think? And as a result of having diabetes for all of these years, he has also developed hypoglycemic unawareness (this basically means, he has no symptoms when his blood sugar is low). Growing up, I knew my Daddy needed shots & I knew he was a diabetic. I knew he needed to watch his sugar intake & I knew we needed to keep glucose tablets around, "just in case." But I didn't know what this all meant. What diabetes meant for his body. For his life. I didn't know that those shots he was giving himself everyday were keeping him alive. I always knew what diabetes was & I walk in the JDRF Walk to Cure Diabetes every year, in my Daddy's honor. But I'm ashamed to say that I never took the time to get to know his disease until the accident.

I will never forget the afternoon I got the call from him. "Holly, don't freak out. I was in a car accident & I broke my hip. I'm in the hospital & I need surgery to repair it. I'm fine. I'm okay. I don't want you to worry."

Pssssssshhhhh! Me?!?! Holly!? The infamous worry wart in the family?!?! You want me not to worry?!?!?! Yeah. Right.

Long story short, my Dad's blood sugar got low. He didn't notice...because he doesn't get symptoms...& he crashed his car into a tree.

I promised him I wouldn't fly out there & then promptly got on the phone with my friend, Maria, who worked at an airline. We booked a ticket for the next day.

Daddy was pissed when  showed up. He now, admittedly, is grateful I came, but that first day he was not a happy camper. I think he was really just mad that I was crashing his flirt fest with all of the nurses. Little does he know, the real reason I came was in hopes I'd have my very own McDreamy or McSteamy to stare at. Duuuuuh!

I helped care for my father for the following two weeks. In those two weeks, I became intimate with his disease. I learned everything I possibly could. This damned disease that nearly killed my father was not going to dupe me any longer. I researched, asked my Dad numerous questions (poor guy was probably so irritated with me) & even joined an online support group. I learned so much about diabetes & it angered me. I was angry with myself for not learning more about it sooner. I couldn't believe...& still can't believe all that my Dad goes through on a daily basis. Diabetes is a dangerous balancing act. It's like playing Russian Roulette. Every. Single. Day.

Not only did I learn a lot about diabetes, but I learned a lot about myself.

When you care for a parent, you're not prepared for the role reversal. Especially when it's not something you've expected you'll have to do for several years. I knew one day I'd be caring for my Dad, but I didn't think it would happen like this. Our first night was hell. Between trying to keep his pain under control & worrying about his sugar levels, I was a wreck....& so was he. He couldn't get comfortable anywhere. I couldn't help him. That feeling of helplessness is unbearable. It made me feel the same way I felt when I was holding Liam in my arms unable to do anything. My Dad was writhing in pain...even hallucinating & I could do nothing. "A pillow here...no there....no. Let me help you up. Let me help you down. Let me turn you over. How about another pain pill?" It was horrible not being able to help someone who has been there for you your entire life. Who has changed your diapers, held you as you cried, cared for you when you were sick....& made everything better with a kiss. I couldn't even help with a stupid pillow placement. Helplessness & I. We are not friends.

During the rest of my stay, both my father & I had to learn to cope with our helplessness. I had to accept that I couldn't help his pain go away. He had to accept that his daughter was caring for him in ways he probably was not ready for. Bandage changings (yes, on his butt...he broke his hip, you know), buying laxatives, helping him get dressed, cooking his meals (though my Aunt Sue & Aunt Barb both brought over some yummy food), getting the mail. The good. The bad. The ugly. We had to accept it.

I left after my two weeks hoping he would be okay without me. I think much the same way he feels everyday as his daughter embarks into this world. "Will he be okay without me? What if he needs help turning over? What happens if he needs a pain pill in the middle of the night? Who will help him get dressed after his shower? What will he eat? Who will make sure he eats?" It was especially hard to leave after learning so much about his diabetes & keeping a daily log of his sugar levels & insulin intake. "Who will monitor his insulin intake? Who will keep an eye on his sugars?"

Then I remembered. He's been doing this his whole life.

...& I sobbed for him.

I can't begin to tell you the impact this had on me. I see my Dad in a new light. I have a new found respect for him & all he deals with every day. I admire the strength he has. I cherish every single second I can get with my Daddy....& even more so every single second Collin gets with his Grandpappy. Diabetes is ugly. There is more than one way it can steal someone from your life. I never took the time to realize it. How incredibly sad that it took a broken hip for me to realize that.

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Sixteen

 

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A happy accident. I took this photo of my cousin, Debbie, when trying to keep my camera away from Collin.

Day Sixteen

Post a photo of someone who inspires you. Why does this person specifically inspire you? Can you tell me a story about this person?

I have been blessed in my life to have many people who inspire me. All for different reasons & all in different ways. But if I had to pick one person whom I look to most frequently for inspiration, it would be my couswin (our special name for cousin), Debbie. I admire her & have looked up to her my entire life.

Debbie is usually content to be in the background. She is an observer, like me. I think this is why we both fell in love with photography. We both see small moments & special things that many other people don't take the time to notice. However, I don't think she realized just how much her little cousin, Holly, watched her as they grew up together.

When we were little girls, she was much cooler in my eyes...because, well, older girls were just cooler. She knew all the cool songs (Kokomo...SO. COOL.) & had all the coolest toys (Guess Who...best game everrrrrr). Also, she & her sister, Becky had BUNK. BEDS. Totally cool. Usually, older girls snuffed their noses at us little ones, but Debbie always made time for me. She seemed to actually enjoy playing with a dweeb like me & never hesitated to share. I remember thinking that I wanted to be just like her when I was older...& cooler.

Now that we are both adults, she is still cooler, but in different ways. I am inspired by her constantly. She is an amazing mother to her two children, a dutiful wife to her husband, an amazing photographer & an environmentalist on top of all of it!

Her son, Connor, is one of the most well behaved, intelligent & imaginative children I have ever met (& I'm not just saying this because she is my cousin...seriously) & her daughter, Emma, while only six months, is well on her way to being the same. If I can raise Collin half as well as she is raising Connor & Emma, I'll be satisfied. She inspires me to be a more patient & creative mother.

On top of all of her duties as a mother & wife, she finds time for her creative side. Her photography is breathtaking & she is always improving & learning her craft. She inspires me to learn more about my camera & to take time to be sure I'm using my equipment properly.

She always thinks of others (her environmentalist side) & tries to always put herself in someone else's shoes before assuming anything. She is kind & patient, loving & nurturing. The kind of woman that we all dream our daughters will grow up to be. I'm inspired by her nearly everyday & try to apply her best qualities to my life.

I know it may seem like she is a simple stay at home mother & to many people, there are more inspiring things, but I know that being a stay at home mom is arguably the hardest job in the world & for one to do it as effortlessly as she...well, that alone is inspiring & I still find myself thinking, "When I am her age, I hope I am just like her."

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Fifteen

 

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Collin with each of his maternal grandparents; my Dad, my Mom & my Step-Dad.

Day Fifteen

Post a photo of something you want to do before you die. Why did you choose this? Do you have a plan set in action so you can accomplish this? If not, what can you do to be sure you do this before you die?

I have a sort of bucket list that I've kept & added to over the years. There are so many things I want to do before I die. Hundreds, maybe thousands of things. Some of the simpler things are: to eat a hot dog in Central Park during the Fall, own a Nikon d5000, visit the natural wonders of the World & participate in NaBloPoMo. Some of the more meaningful things include: becoming a Mom to a baby girl, finally moving to & living in Michigan, becoming an English teacher & speaking at a March of Dimes or loss parent event. Some of the items I've proudly crossed off are: become a Mom to a baby boy, read every book by my favorite authorr (who happens to be Roald Dahl) & to take up photography.

I thought for days about this post. Days. There are even sticky notes on my desk with ideas written on them in different colored inks. One particular thing kept screaming back at me & finally, after my days of pondering, I decided that this must be the number one thing I need to do before I die.

Watch my son become a father.

I am already a sort of grandparent, thanks to the age difference between Greg & I. I have always enjoyed buying gifts for & mailing cards out to Jasmyn, Nevaeh & Ethan. When the girls lived with us, my grandparental duties included making sure they were thoroughly spoiled with birthday, Easter & Christmas gifts, randomly buying small items from the Dollar Spot that I knew they would enjoy & taking thousands, literally thousands of pictures of them. When Ethan visits, it includes baking cookies with him & settling down afterwards with a fun movie...& naturally, loads of picture taking. So, becoming a grandparent is something I feel I've already done, but watching Collin become a father. This is an entirely other event.

I can't imagine how strange it is for my parents to see me as a Mother. Their child, who they've raised, disciplined, praised & watch grow from toddlerhood to womanhood. It must be an amazing & heartbreaking feeling all at the same time. I cannot wait to see the man Collin becomes...okay, maybe I can, I'm in no hurry...& the kind of father he will be.

Without a doubt, this is the number one thing on my bucket list.

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Fourteen

 

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August 24, 2008. The day we lost our Liam Bear.

Day Fourteen

Post a photo of a person you could never live your life without. What is special about this person? Tell me the ten things you love most about them.

I felt that this challenge was both the easiest & the hardest challenge, both at the same time. I know that may not make sense, but my mind was spinning. I could choose Greg because I truly can't imagine my life without him & because of him my life has been enriched. I could choose Collin, but I feel that that goes without saying & every mother would choose their children. The point of this challenge is exactly that...to be a challenge. To choose things that aren't, "expected."

In the end, I chose Liam. I could never. Ever. Live my life without him. I know to other people, I am living without him, but I can promise you I most certainly am not. He is always around & I firmly believe that he lets me know he's here just when I need him most. How can you tell me that it's a coincidence that I see a monarch butterfly every single time I'm thinking, "Liam should be here right now." When we buried him, our first Christmas Day without him, the day I found out I was pregnant with Collin, the day we brought Collin home, both times I visited Michigan since his death...I could go on. He is always with me.

Liam made me the woman I am today. I am stronger than I've ever been & I pride myself on my strength. People can lean on me. I can listen with a sympathetic ear. I can more easily put myself in someone else's shoes, because I was one of the many who thought, "That will never happen to me."

Liam made me a Mama. I am the best Mom I can be to Collin every single day because of him. I can appreciate Collin, even on the awful, tantrum filled, alligator teared, twelve poopy diaper, teething through nap days because of Liam.

I could never live my life without him. Collin's guardian angel.

And mine.

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Thirteen

 

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DMB on my iPhone. Obsessed.

Day Thirteen

Post a photo of your favorite band or artist. Why do you love this band/artist? What song(s) in particular do you love & why? Post the lyrics to your favorite song by this artist/band & bold the ones that hold the most meaning for you.

This was a difficult choice for me. I am a music lover. I love it all. I mean it. I'll listen to anything. There are songs that move me to tears & some that send me into a fit of laughter; some transport me instantaneously to a moment from my past & some can make me feel truly at peace.

As a result of my music obsession, my favorite artists change...nearly every week. So, I tried narrowing it down to the artists that have moved me the most. I thought about choosing Gavin Rossdale for his song, "Love Remains the Same," because it got me through Liam's death. I had that song on repeat for weeks. I thought about choosing Tracy Byrd for his song, "Keeper of the Stars," because my husband whispered the song into my ear as we danced our first dance during our wedding. I thought about...& almost did...choosing The Band Perry for, "If I Die Young." That song made me weep when I first heard it. It was like Liam was there, singing it to me. Giving me some type of comfort.

Then I realized this isn't about a specific song. It's about an artist or band that you love & I knew who I would choose.

Dave Matthews Band.

I have loved this band nearly my entire life. They were there for me through puberty, awkward braces & geekdom all the way up until I finally blossomed into a young woman who was confident in herself. They were there for break ups, make ups, late nights with friends, my first time getting drunk, my first kiss, marriage, Liam, Collin, Greg....I always had Dave Matthews Band to get me through.

I couldn't possibly choose one song. They all hold special meaning to me, but I can share the lyrics to one that has gotten me through the most & grown to mean different things to me at different points in my life.

Lying in the Hands of God, Dave Matthews Band

Fill me up now drain me

Skin begins to grow back slowly

Faster until I'm choking

I should really call my mother

Save your sermons for someone that's afraid to love

If you knew what I feel you couldn't be so sure

I'll be right here lying in the hands of God

If you feel angels in your hair

I am in love with nothing else

Teardrops of joy run off my face

I will rise for someone that's afraid to love

If you knew what I feel then you couldn't be so sure

I'll be right here lying in the hands of God

This song said all of the things I couldn't say when I lost Liam....& that, my friends is the making of a soul shaking song. When it feels what you feel. It says what you need to say & want to say better than you ever could have imagined.

It's strange. I never felt closer to God than when Liam died....& I was angry at Him for, "filling me up & then  draining me slowly." I was so angry at Him. I still find myself struggling with anger sometimes. It's another dirty little secret of what goes on in the mind of a Mom who has lost. But I also still love Him. If it weren't for Him, I surely would be dead myself. I mean, who survives that?! I did.

This song. This song.

This perfect song.

This perfect band.

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Twelve

 

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Warm, freshly baked, chocolate chip cookies.

Day Twelve

Post a photo of something you love. Why do you love this? What specifics can you give me about why you live this item/person?

I love baking. The warm, sweet scent that fills the air when something is in my oven. The inviting feeling it gives people when they walk into your home. Conversations are sparked that are filled with memories of Grandmothers & comfort.

There is something simply amazing about taking the first bite of a still warm, gooey, chocolate chip cookie. It can make a horrible day into a great one. It can make a skinned knee miraculously better. It can turn a bad mood into a happy one.

Go ahead, just try to tell me you don't love freshly baked, homemade, chocolate chips cookies. Yeah, didn't think you could.

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Eleven

 

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Dust on top of my dresser.

Day Eleven

Post a photo of something you hate. Why do you hate this? What is it about this person/item that you despise?

Dust. I hate it. In this desert they call Las Vegas, it is everywhere. I dust nearly every. Single. Day. Yet I still get this thin coating of dust. Every. Where! What I wouldn't give for one solid week of not looking at dust. What relief it would be! It's all over the place, too. The dresser, the desk, the TV, the bathroom counters, the printer, the end tables. Literally all over the place.

In all seriousness, this is something I should just get over & deal with. It's part of living in the desert. It's really not that terrible. But it bothers me. It just does.

Dust. Humph.

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Ten

 

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Mango & Kiwi for life! Hee, hee!

Day Ten

Post a photo of the person you do the most crazy/silly things with. What is it about this person that makes you able to be crazy/silly? What is your most favorite crazy/silly memory with this person?

Maria & I have grown up together. When we met in middle school, our personalities couldn't have been any more different. I was quiet, shy & timid. She was loud, outgoing & never afraid to stand up for a friend. She was the one person who I could come out of my shell with. We were so silly & always doing crazy or stupid things. We could be ourselves with each other & that's what was so special about our relationship. That what is still special about it. 

My favorite, "silly," memory was shorty after I got my driver's license. My Mom asked me to go to the store for some bread. Maria was over (as usual...if I wasn't at her house, she was at mine) & we both looked at each other excitedly. Once in the car, we gushed over how cool it was that we were driving...alone! As soon as we felt we were out of earshot, we blasted my Mom's car stereo as loud as we could & sang our lungs out, giggling the entire thirty second drive to the market. The fact that I was carrying car keys through the store was OMG. SO. COOL. I needed car keys. We were high on freedom & teenage wanderlust. It's a memory & a feeling I've cherished ever since.

Now that we are older, we are much less crazy & silly. We are both Mamas & wives (her a soon to be wife). But we still can be Mango & Kiwi when our kids & husbands aren't looking!

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Nine

 

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My Mom & I Halloween circa 1987.

Day Nine

Post a photo of the person who has gotten you through the most. What did this person do for you during your troubled time? What made you turn to them out of everyone else in your life?

My Mom has always been there for me. No matter the situation. No matter whether I felt she was

wrong or right or she felt I was wrong or right. She's been there. She was there when I had my first heartbreak. She was there when I fell in love with a man twice my age. She was there when I got married. My first steps. My first skinned knee. All of it. 

She was there. Right next to me. Fighting for any chance Liam had when the doctors were telling her they wouldn't call a NICU team. She fought for me & when they ignored her, she called an ambulance to transport me to a hospital that would fight with her. She held my hand as I watched Liam die. She took pictures for me because she knew that I would need them later. She left me to grieve that night alone with my husband. She knew everything I needed. At first, I didn't realize how she knew exactly what to do....until I remembered my brother. She had been through the loss of a baby herself. Cradled her dead son in her arms & wept, too.

The next morning, my Mom was busting down my door, forcing me out of bed, into the shower & into clean clothes. She placed fresh, white roses on my table & talked with me about her loss & what helped her get through it. She told me, "People will tell you that there must have been something wrong with him & that's why he had to go, but Holly nothing was wrong with him. He was perfect & amazing in every single way & it just plain isn't fair." I'm not sure if I even let her know how much that first day meant to me.

She took Greg & I to the funeral home & made nearly every arrangement for us as we sat there dazed & silent. She made Liam a birthday cake. "Every baby needs a birthday cake." she told us. For my birthday, one short month later, she got me a ring with Liam's birthstone.

If it weren't for her, I fear I would have been much worse off. It was her who got me through my loss & it's been her who has gotten me through so much more in life. 

Momma. <3

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Eight

 

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Collin after falling in a pile of lawn clippings at my Grandparents' backyard in Greenbush, MI this past summer.

Day Eight

Post a photo that makes you laugh. What made this moment so funny?

This photo makes me literally laugh out loud every time I see it.  Not only because of the

obvious massive amounts of grass clippings stuck to Collin's wet face, but because of the happy,

at peace feeling I had while we were there.

This was taken during my second day of a three week long vacation to Michigan. I was

full of excitement, peace, love, happiness & so much more. I love Michigan. I can feel my

heart swell every time I'm there. The weather, the family, the love, the way of life.

This was one of Collin's first romps around in the grass. My Grandpa had mowed the lawn

before our visit, but left the clippings. Not normally a big deal, but this particular afternoon

was abnormally hot & sticky. My couswin (we have our own terminology for our relationship)

had the fantastic idea to turn on the lawn sprinkler for the kids to play with. We left it on a

low setting for Collin & he loved it...until he got over excited & let his feet get ahead of his

little body. He fell face first into the clippings. I laughed so hard as he picked himself up,

looking flabbergasted, but he didn't cry. He didn't even hint at a cry. He just kept playing

& crawling around. This was when I knew Collin would grow up loving Michigan just

as much as I do.

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Seven

 

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A photo frame of Liam with a poem, Liam's ashes & Willow Tree figurines we got shortly after his death.

Day Seven

Post a photo of your most treasured item. Why is this item special to you? How did you come

to own this item?

This challenge has been by far the easiest. I instantaneously knew what my most treasured

possession was. Liam's ashes. We buried half in Michigan with my brother & we had the other

half placed in a stone angel so that he would always be with Mama & Daddy. If there were

ever a fire, this would be the item I would seek out (along with my backup external hard drive

with all of our photos on it, but that should go without saying). I would burn alive before I ever

lost him again. See, told you. Easy. Liam's ashes.

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Six

 

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My Grandma Sanford in Lake Huron, Greenbush, MI.

Day Six

Post a photo of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day. Why did you choose this person?

What do you admire most about their life? What can you do to make your life more fulfilling?

I have to admit, it was hard for me to choose a person for this challenge. There are a lot of

strong, admirable people in my life that I would love to change places with (not to mention

wanting to trade places with someone fabulously rich so I could make a generous donation to

the Bank of Holly). I thought about my Aunt Sue, who has made an amazing life for her family

& who's life is my personal version of the American Dream. I thought about my Aunt Barb, who

raised four amazing children, all of whom I admire. I thought about my sister, who is a police

officer & yet still keeps a positive outlook on life & who has so much love for Collin it melts

my heart. I thought about my Mom, who is a detective & provided me with a great example

of how to raise Collin & who is the rock of our family; the quintessential Mom. I thought

about my Grandma Bonsole, who raised five children, survived a divorce (back when

divorces were taboo), found my Grandpa & never forgets to buy a lottery ticket. So, you

can see how hard this was for me. Trading places with any of these people would enrich

my soul & I can't even begin to imagine how much I could learn from one of them in one

day. I bounced back & forth all day. Aunt Sue, Grandma Bonsole, Aunt Barb, Seester,

Momma....no, Aunt Sue...no......

In the end, I chose my Grandma Sanford.

My Grandma Sanford is an amazing woman who never gets enough credit for all she does

& for all that she has done in her life. She & my Grandpa are still in love & I have never

seen either of them go to bed without giving the other a goodnight kiss. It amazes me to think

of the history their marriage has seen; the creation of lives their marriage has resulted in.

She raised four children on a fixed income, as my Grandpa made a career out of the Air

Force. She moved her family to every type of climate you could ever think of, Alaska,

Las Vegas, Guam, Michigan & many more places I'm sure. Every meal in her home

is homemade & if you drop by for a visit, she could have a feast ready in ten minutes flat.

I'm not kidding, folks, You should witness it. She has a twin sister (whom I always called

Annie Lane growing up & I don't think I even realized her name was Elaine until I was at

least 16) & I have always admired the relationship she had with Annie Lane, her other

siblings & her mother, Grandma Eskuri. She always had time to be silly with us kids &

she always had some sort of fun activity planned for us when we visited her house. In fact,

some of my happiest memories are wrapped up around this amazing woman.

I remember when she & my Grandpa came to Vegas to be snowbirds. We went to

their new house & my Dad ordered pizza. When it got there, the adults realized

 there was no place for us children to eat. Not a problem for my Grandma. She put

together a makeshift dining room table out of a box & dug some paper plates &

napkins out of another & sat down with us to eat. Simple, really, but as I kid I

thought it was the coolest thing. Ever.

She gave me my first, "real," tea party after I got my very first glass tea china for

Christmas. She let me fill my pot with real juice & helped my fill my plates with

cookies & potato chips & pickles (don't ask...we are a pickle kind of family & 

they are the one thing you can depend on being in Grandma's fridge) & let me host

my very first ever tea party at her house.

She always had a Christmas cookie decorating night at her house; there was always

an Easter egg coloring afternoon; endless afternoons of baking chocolate chip

cookies...& licking the spoon after. Most importantly, she always had time for

me. I always felt special & still feel special when I'm with her.

I credit her with some of my greatest qualities. My love of the Great Lakes, my

Holiday traditions, my inner-child, my tickle noises, my no-bake oatmeal cookie recipe,

my heart swelling love for my family, my strength to press on when bad things happen, 

& my, "tsk, tsk, tsk." They are all from her & they are all things I hope to pass on to Collin.

If I could trade places with her for a day, I'd take away with me the best parts of

her. Her patience, her perseverance, her happy soul, her enormously caring heart,

her fun-loving attitude (even still) & of course, her cooking talent. The things I could

learn are endless. One day wouldn't be enough, but I would spend that day soaking

in every minute; picking apart her brain; learning about her history & her life. A life that

resulted in four children, ten grandchildren & eight great-grandchildren. What

an amazing life.

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Five

 

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April 23rd, 2008

Day Five

Post a photo of your favorite memory. Why is this your favorite memory? What made it so special?

My favorite memory is of the day April 23rd, 2008. That was the day I found out I was pregnant.

With Liam. You are never fully prepared for the crazy mix of emotions you feel when you get a

positive pregnancy test for the first time. The bliss, the worry, the, "there is no turning back now."

This positive test was filled with excitement & free of black clouds. This was my first & only

pregnancy test that would ever be a normal one. When I got my positive test with Collin, I was

filled with fear & worry. Afraid to be excited. Terrified to get too attached. So, this is my favorite

memory. This was Liam before death. This was Liam when he was alive & filled with possibility.

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Four

 

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Miniature cupcakes baking in the oven.

Day Four

Post a photo that best sums up the night you've had tonight. What did you do? Why was

it fun? who did you spend it with?

I spent nearly the entire day out shopping & running errands with Meaghan, Greg's daughter (she is

currently living with us as she relocates her life from Los Angeles to Las Vegas). We both had large

lists of things we needed to do, so it only made sense that once we arrived home & were winding

down after dinner, that Meaghan exclaimed, "Oh no!!! Ethan's cupcakes!" Ethan is her son, who

happens to be having a potluck in his class tomorrow morning. So, I grabbed my car keys &

Meaghan & I loaded into the car & made our way to WalMart. It is now 11PM & we still have

at least four more batches of mini cupcakes to put in the oven & decorate.

It's going to be a long night.

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Three

 

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The cast of Modern Family.

Day Three

Post a photo of the cast from your favorite show. Why do you love this particular show so much?

Who is your favorite cast member & why?

I have a TV problem. My DVR has a new show waiting for me every day, so it only makes

sense that my favorite TV show changes every few months. However, since Modern Family

made it's debut last year, I haven't even given my DVR the chance to record it. I watch it the

second it comes on at 9PM & laugh hysterically for nearly the entire half hour. We originally

started watching the show when seeing the previews for the pilot. Gloria is with her considerably

older husband Jay at a soccer game for her son, Manny, when another child's father hits on

her. While doing so, he motioned to Jay, who is sitting in a lawn chair, & asks if he is her father.

Jay, clumsily trying to get out of his chair asserts that he is, in fact, her husband. Greg & I

were instant fans after that. We have been in that situation so many times & have always

found it funny. It goes with the territory of being with someone & having a large age gap.

I couldn't possibly pick one favorite character. Each cast member is hilarious in their own way.

However, Phil (Jay's son in law) & Cam (Jay's son's boyfriend) tend to steal my heart more than

the others. They are both hysterical & I can relate each of them to someone in my life. I'm a fan

of Ty Burrell outside of Modern Family (I recently saw him in Fur...OMG, to die for, new

favorite movie), so if I was forced to pick, it would be him.

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Two

 

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My sister, Cortney, & I are best friends.

Day Two

Post a photo of you & the person you have been the closest with for the longest.

Why is this person special to you?

I chose my sister, Cortney, for this prompt. We are close in age. Eighteen months & I think

that it worked out perfectly for us. She has been there through every major & minor event in

my life & I hers. She is my sister, but more importantly, she is my friend. Growing up, we

couldn't have been more different. She was a tomboy, who preferred Teenage Mutant Ninja

Turtles & tag to Barbies & tea parties, something I thoroughly enjoyed. Regardless of our

differences, we were still close. I managed to be pulled away from a tea party or two for a

game of tag & she managed to put aside her TNMT figurines every so often for Barbies.

Now that we are adults, Cortney is the one friend I know I will never drift away from. I know

I can pick up the phone any time for any reason & she will be there when I need her. We have

seen each other through our first heartbreaks, drunken nights filled with beer pong & fights with

our Mom. I have seen her through the heart break of her first love, Navy boot camp, three years

away from home, the police academy & now a fiance & new home. She has seen me through

an abusive relationship, stood by me at my wedding, was by my side as I lost Liam & there

again as Collin was born. She is truly my soul match & I never take for granted the close

relationship I have with her. We are the only two people who truly know what the other has

been through & I am so grateful I've had her by my side thus far in our lives. I love you, Seester!

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day One

 

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Holly's Fifteen Facts

1. The only affect caffeine has on me is when I don't have it. I get crazy withdrawal

headaches when I don't drink it, but I don't get any of the benefits many others do when

I do have my caffeine.

2. I obsessively buy scrapbooking supplies & Sharpie markers. It's a problem.

3. I am deathly afraid of bugs. All bugs.

4. My favorite cookie is an oatmeal scotchie.

5. I have the biggest crush on Adam Richman from Man v. Food. Seriously. I'd leave my

husband for this man who eats massive amounts of artery clogging bar food.

6. I fart a lot.

7. My least favorite chore is dishes.

8. I'm obsessed with iced tea, but I have requirements when I order it. It must be brewed,

unsweet & have looooottttsssss of ice in the cup. No lemon. I never make my own.

9. I grew an entire shoe size during my pregnancy with Collin.

10. I enjoy the smells off odd things. Gasoline, sunblock, tar & paint, to name a few.

11. My favorite music group is Dave Matthews Band.

12. I'm overly emotional with TV shows. I know I'm being ridiculous when I'm bawling over

Catelynn & Tyler watching Carly take her first steps, but I can't help it.

13. I can't watch horror movies because I can't separate real from fake once the film is over.

For realsies guys, I watched Paranormal Activities for the first time last week & now I can't

be in my room alone.

14. I secretly love trashy reality TV. You should see my DVR.

15. I'm a compulsive Target shopper.

Thirty Days of Me Photo Challenge

I am as addicted to Facebook as a person can be. I'm always connected via my iPhone & love feeling like I am a part of my family & friends' daily lives. There has recently been a photo meme (sort of a questionnaire) going around & I thought that with a bit of tweaking, it would make for a perfect blog challenge.

It consists of posting a photo a day for thirty days; each day brings a new request. How fun, no? For someone like, me this is a serious bucket load of fun. Yes, bucket is a standard unit of measurement. At least...it is in my world. The tweak? Adding writing into the mix. Why this photo? Who is that? Why is this special? Etc.

My hope is to get as many of you bloggers to participate as I can. Many of you are amazing photographers & I can't wait to see what you come up with.


The List
Day One: Post a photo of yourself along with fifteen facts about you.
Day Two: Post a photo of you & the person you have been the closest with for the longest. Why is this person special to you?
Day Three: Post a photo of the cast from your favorite show. Why do you love this particular show so much? Who is your favorite cast member & why?
Day Four: Post a photo that best sums up the night you've had tonight. What did you do? Why was it fun?
Day Five: Post a photo of your favorite memory. Why is this your favorite memory? What made it so special?
Day Six: Post a photo of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day. Why did you choose this person? What do you admire most about their life? What can you do to make your life more fulfilling?
Day Seven: Post a photo of your most treasured item. Why is this item special to you? How did you come to own this item?
Day Eight: Post a photo that makes you laugh. What made this moment so funny?
Day Nine: Post a photo of the person who has gotten you through the most. What did this person do for you during your troubled time? What made you turn to them out of everyone else in your life?
Day Ten: Post a photo of the person you do the most crazy/silly things with. What is it about this person that makes you able to be crazy/silly? What is your most favorite crazy/silly memory with this person?
Day Eleven: Post a photo of something you hate. Why do you hate this? What is it about this item/person that you despise?
Day Twelve: Post a photo of something you love. Why do you love this? What specifics can you give me about why you live this item/person?
Day Thirteen: Post a photo of your favorite band or artist. Why do you love this band/artist? What song(s) in particular do you love & why? Post the lyrics to your favorite song by this artist/band & bold the ones that hold the most meaning for you.
Day Fourteen: Post a photo of a person you could never live your life without. What is special about this person? Tell me the ten things you love most about them.
Day Fifteen: Post a photo of something you want to do before you die. Why did you choose this? Do you have a plan set in action so you can accomplish this? If not, what can you do to be sure you do this before you die?
Day Sixteen: Post a photo of someone who inspires you. Why does this person specifically inspire you? Can you tell me a story about this person?
Day Seventeen: Post a photo of something that has made an impact on your life recently. Why did this impact you? Was it negatively or positively? What did it make you change in yourself?
Day Eighteen: Post a photo of your biggest insecurity. Why are you insecure about this particular thing? What can you do to change it? Do you want to change it?
Day Nineteen: Post a photo of someone close to you who has passed. Write a letter to them.
Day Twenty: Post a photo of somewhere you would like to travel. Why this location? Is there something special you would like to do there? Describe for me what you imagine your perfect day there would be like.
Day Twenty One: Post a photo of something you want to remember forever. What is special about this memory? Describe the smell, sounds & tastes of that moment. Who were the people with you? What did they do to help make that moment special?
Day Twenty Two: Post a photo of something you wish you were better at. Why do you want to be better at this particular thing? What can you do now to help yourself in being better?
Day Twenty Three: Post a photo of your favorite book. Write down a favorite paragraph. Why did you choose this paragraph? How has this book influenced your life?
Day Twenty Four: Post a photo of something you wish you could change. Can you still change it? What about this would you change & why?
Day Twenty Five: Post a photo that best sums up your day today. What did you do today? What was the best part of your day? What was the worst part of your day.
Day Twenty Six: Post a photo of someone/something that means a lot to you. Why does this item/person mean so much? Tell me the story behind the item & if it's a person, tell me your favorite story about them.
Day Twenty Seven: Post a photo of yourself & an extended family member. Why did you choose this photo? What is so special about this family member? Tell me your favorite memory about them.
Day Twenty Eight: Post a photo of something you're afraid of. Why are you afraid of this? Do you have any irrational fears? If so, what are they? What can you do to try & overcome these fears?
Day Twenty Nine: Post a photo that always makes you smile. What about this photo makes you smile? Is there a story behind it? Who is in the photo? What makes them special?
Day Thirty: Post a photo of someone you miss. Why do you miss this person? Tell me the three things you miss most about this person. Why are they special to you?


If you'd like to participate, I've created a button for the challenge that you can place in each of your daily posts. Your posts don't have to be daily for thirty days, each can be a few days apart, but I'm hoping we can all get through the list.

 

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