August 24, 2008. The day we lost our Liam Bear.
Day Fourteen
Post a photo of a person you could never live your life without. What is special about this person? Tell me the ten things you love most about them.
I felt that this challenge was both the easiest & the hardest challenge, both at the same time. I know that may not make sense, but my mind was spinning. I could choose Greg because I truly can't imagine my life without him & because of him my life has been enriched. I could choose Collin, but I feel that that goes without saying & every mother would choose their children. The point of this challenge is exactly that...to be a challenge. To choose things that aren't, "expected."
In the end, I chose Liam. I could never. Ever. Live my life without him. I know to other people, I am living without him, but I can promise you I most certainly am not. He is always around & I firmly believe that he lets me know he's here just when I need him most. How can you tell me that it's a coincidence that I see a monarch butterfly every single time I'm thinking, "Liam should be here right now." When we buried him, our first Christmas Day without him, the day I found out I was pregnant with Collin, the day we brought Collin home, both times I visited Michigan since his death...I could go on. He is always with me.
Liam made me the woman I am today. I am stronger than I've ever been & I pride myself on my strength. People can lean on me. I can listen with a sympathetic ear. I can more easily put myself in someone else's shoes, because I was one of the many who thought, "That will never happen to me."
Liam made me a Mama. I am the best Mom I can be to Collin every single day because of him. I can appreciate Collin, even on the awful, tantrum filled, alligator teared, twelve poopy diaper, teething through nap days because of Liam.
I could never live my life without him. Collin's guardian angel.
And mine.
I admire your strength. so much.
ReplyDeleteNot to turn this into a whole schpeel about me, but I honestly, truly, doubt if I want more kids because I didn't enjoy being pregnant, my c-section TERRIFIED me, and the recovery was hell. Bad enough in my brain that I may not ever have more kids.
And there you are, who had the labor from hell with Liam, and the worst possible outcome and you still wanted to be pregnant again, and go through everything that you went through to have another baby.
I don't know that I'm as strong as you.
And I agree, you're not living without Liam. He's with you. Everyday.
Beautiful post, Holly. You are blessed to have a special angel and Collin is blessed to have Liam as a big brother and guardian. <3
ReplyDeleteLove this post.
ReplyDelete♥
Holly, I don't know you in person and just getting to know you online even though we've been pretty much keeping tabs of our November babies for awhile. But I adore you and admire you. That photo brought tears from my eyes and my heart swelled for affection for you and your husband. You have been to the greatest hell and got through it and out. Much love to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThe butterfly thing... I have to tell you.
ReplyDeleteMy ex-husband caused my first loss. The doctors said he had done so much damage that I'd never get pregnant naturally. But then 2 years later, even with a condom and birth control, my oldest son was born (with a different guy). That guy ran off when he heard the words baby. But my oldest and I did (and do) fine without him. A couple of years later I meet a new guy, we fall in love, get married, and try to have a baby. We ended up having 4 losses. One at 8.5 months, the next at 9 weeks, the next at 6 months and the final at 7 weeks. That guy decided he "couldn't be with a broken woman that couldn't keep a baby alive inside of her" and left us. All of my babies have names. And the two long term ones we knew were girls. But I knew that (at that point) I had lost 3 girls, the previous loss and the last loss were boys. My heart knew this to be true.
Anyway, my oldest and I sat on the back porch on Mother's Day, the day after the guy left, and we cuddled and cried and hurt together. Then we just cuddled. The sun started to set, the sky changed colors, the breeze dried our tears. My (then) 4 year old son told me he loved me, and said happy mother's day. I smiled inside and out, but that broken missing my other babies part of my heart ached. Just then 3 white butterflies came and landed on my arm in a row. I felt love and peace and thought without saying aloud "hi girls, mommy loves you too." My four year old looked at them with wonder, then looked up at me and said "Mommy, my sisters say Happy Mother's Day to you too."
Ever since then, when I think of or miss my babies, one or more butterflies literally fly in front of my face, as if to say "We are with you and we love you too."
I had to share that. Butterflies will forever be my missing children to me.