Holly Days: liam

Showing posts with label liam. Show all posts

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Let's Get Real

I've been seeing a lot of bloggers talking about getting, "deep," & posting about , "real," things instead of always posting pretty photos & pretending their lives have no struggle. And then the make their, "real," post, only it's full of BS. The only blogger I've yet to see get, "real," is Audrey. And do you know what? I loved it. I love her raw honestly. I loved that she put herself out there. I loved that she was brave & talked about the real shit.

Its' true. The blogging world is full of pretty things. And happy Mamas. And clean houses. And perfectly styled/dressed children. And that's okay.

But I started my blog after I lost Liam. I started my blog to write & make myself uncomfortable because that's what helped me to heal. I somehow lost track of that & got caught up in the pretty. Don't get me wrong, some things should be kept private. Especially when they concern other people (for instance, I have never delved into the details of my divorce because it directly involves Collin's Dad; a public platform is not appropriate in that situation). But I got into blogging for my love of writing. And in my opinion, the best writing occurs when it's outside of your comfort zone.

I am passionate about writing & self-growth. But I also get caught up in the need to be a perfect Mama. A perfect daughter. A perfect girlfriend. A perfect everything. And I make things, "pretty." But it's about to get real up in here.

I've decided to once a week host a linky party. I'll call it, "Let's Get Real." And once a week, on every Monday, I will write about something uncomfortable or something I'd normally be afraid to share. I'm hoping this will inspire others to write & improve on themselves. Reflection is an awesome tool & incredibly therapeutic. If you're not sure what to write about, here are some ideas/examples:

a body part or personality trait you are self-conscious about
a struggle you're currently going through
a struggle you overcame
something that happened to you
a scary encounter
a move you were reluctant to make
a chance you didn't take
dealing with daily pressures (wife, mother, work, etc)

I plan to have this go up every Monday & I have already recruited a few of your favorite bloggers including Mandey, Audrey, Chelsea, Joni & Megan.

We all struggle. We all have inner turmoil. Let's use blogging as our platform to inspire & lift each other up. Here is our button, so please take it & put it on your blog or use it on your Let's Get Real post. Our first posts will be going up Monday morning, so be sure to stop by any of the above listed Mama's blogs above to link up.

Now that the deets are out of the way, here is my first Let's Get Real post:

For those who don't already know, I lost my first born, Liam, in August of 2008. Our story is eerily similar to Diana's from. My bag of water broke early due to an incompetent cervix that was previously undiagnosed. We held off labor for two days. I finally had to birth my baby boy & he died 15 minutes later in his Mama's arms. You can read his story here.

When you lose a baby, people are so caught up in the fact that you just lost your baby to think about the small reminders. The things that people don't even realize you have to deal with. Things that, when you have an alive baby, you never even think twice about. Things like getting his social security card in the mail. Formula samples. Weekly pregnancy update emails. Congratulations on your newborn cards from Gerber or Target or wherever you registered & happily gave your baby's due date. Returning baby gifts. Packing up baby clothes. Seeing if you can get your money back for the crib. Cancelling the baby shower. Hospital bills. Paying...writing a check...for the care of the baby you don't even have. Telling the people in your life that you are no longer pregnant & then facing the questions.

For me, the worst reminder? One of the worst & hardest things to deal with, was when my milk came in. It was the next morning. We had come home the morning before & I spent the entire day in my bed. I drifted in & out of sleep, but never rested. My Uncle dropped off some food & even money to help us with medical expenses he knew would be coming our way, but I did not greet him & stayed locked inside my room. I had been weeping over Liam's tiny clothes hanging in the closet all night. I woke the next morning & Greg was making breakfast. I sat down in a daze, barely greeting Christine (Greg's daughter-in-law who was living with us at the time with her twin daughters). And then, I felt it. Wet. Cold. On my breasts & I looked down & saw the damp circles on my shirt. I could not get up from the table fast enough. I was embarrassed. I was mad. I was so fucking mad at my body. Didn't it know my baby wasn't here. Didn't it realize the baby was early & did not make it? Didn't my emptiness inside will the milk to just disappear?
I took the longest shower of my life. I locked myself in the bathroom & just stood in the water. No sobbing, no pained moans. I just...was. And there were no more tears, nothing left to cry. I had nothing left inside of my body to give. I was defeated. And now my body was reminding me of that.

Sometimes, I don't understand how I made it through those first few days. I honestly don't remember much. Flowers poured in, people sent emails, gifts, cards & sent their love. None of it mattered to me. All I wanted was for the nightmare to be over.

I remember pulling out an old, too small sports bra after that shower & I never took it off. Not for a solid week. I was terrified of more milk escaping & did not want to face it or deal with it. My stupid body. This stupid body that couldn't even protect & grow my son. This stupid body that failed him...& me.

The final day I wore the bra, I was getting ready for a shower. I'd developed a stretch mark tracing ritual...the only proof that my baby existed was on my body. The body that failed me was also ensuring my baby lived on. I also realized I'd stopped lactating. I was suddenly so frantic for the milk to appear again...because it was also proof that he existed. A reminder, yes & I was desperate for it to stop, but once it was gone, it felt like he was, too. All over again. Life was moving on....without him in it.

I couldn't stop the tears. But I was robotic at this point. I took my shower.

And it was in the shower, with my stupid body that wasn't so stupid anymore, that I made the decision to not let Liam's death consume me. I refused to allow Liam to be associated with sadness. Everyone was looking at me so pitifully. And treating me like I would literally crack open. But I was proud to be Liam's Mama & he did live. His life was short, but he was loved & celebrated & gave me so much joy. And he may not be here, but God damn it, my stretch marks are & I am. His Mama is here.

It's hard. His death is still a demon that I fight every morning. I carry the weight of him with me everywhere I go. Where I exist, he exists inside of me. And that's ok with me. I have learned to live & live for him. And I'm ok with being the crazy lady who makes her dead baby a birthday cake every year & sobs. I am ok with all of that. As unfair & sucky & shitty as it is, I have learned to be ok.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Bloggers for Babies: Las Vegas

Anyone who is cool, reads Mandy's blog, Harper's Happenings. She's rad. Last year, she started a team for the annual March of Dimes March for Babies in good ol' WA & the best part (aside from the fact that they raised a shit ton of money for MOD), was that it turned into a sort of mini blogger meet up. It became about Mamas binding together for one cause. Mamas & bloggers all in one place for one reason.

This is Liam.

I participate in this walk every year, but this is the first year I saw a group of people join forces with their social media & use it for something like this. It touched me deeply. Because I walk in the March of Dimes every year. Rain, shine, sleet, blistering sun. Nothing could stop me or ever will. I walk every year with determination. Because I am walking for my son, Liam. I walk for the son who can't walk. Who never will walk. I walk for him because I want him to know his Mama is still here, fighting for him. And to show him that he touched people. Even though his life was so short.

Liam was born at 22 weeks gestation. He was a perfect baby boy. Collin bears a striking resemblance to his older brother. Much like Collin, Liam was a big boy. At only 22 weeks, he was already at one pound one ounce. And at 12.5 inches long, he was no typical preemie. Which is why I held out such hope when he was born. But Liam did not live past 16 minutes. He died in my arms peacefully & as safe as I could attempt to make him feel. He grasped his Daddy's finger until he slipped away forever. And we wept for days. And I still weep. Every. Single. Day.

Liam was perfect. There were no defects or any chromosomal abnormalities. This? This was all me. My body failed him. And me.

Later, I was diagnosed with MTHFR & an incompetent cervix. I had thought that a diagnosis or answer would make me feel better, but it only infuriated me. This all could have been prevented. If only I had benen aware.

So now? Now, I walk. To make other people aware.

You do not need to be a blogger to join our team. You only need to be willing to give up one morning in your life to walk this three miles....in Liam's shoes.

The walk is being held at UNLV on Saturday, April 28th at 7AM. You can bring your kids, strollers, dogs, everyone & anyone is welcome.

If you're interested in signing up to be a member of our team, you can go here. Please note that becoming a member also means reaching out to try & bring in some donations. But you'd be so surprised at how many people are willing to donate. Even just $5 helps. Just post a donation link on your FB or your Twitter or even your blog! Remind your family/friends once a week up until the walk.

If that sounds like too much of a commitment or you can't make it that day, please consider donating. ANY amount helps. Did you know March of Dimes started by asking people to mail in ONE dime? You can go here to donate. Give up your coffee for one day & send it Liam's way.

Please, please, please. In any way possible, I encourage you to help. This is such a huge cause for me.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Tattoo Theif

I am a tattooed Mama. I love my tattoos. I love expressing myself via the artwork on my body. I think it is beautiful and I love being reminded of a place or person or a special memory when I look at a particular tattoo. Dani from Sometimes Sweet recently blogged about being a heavily tattooed Mama and I highly suggest you all take a gander at her article. I could not have said it any better myself.

That said, I thought it would be fun to share my tattoos & their meanings with all of you.

My first tattoo, was a mistake. It is the only tattoo I have that I regret. I did not think through what I wanted; I just wanted something. That something happened to be a super tramptacular tramp stamp. I'm talking award winning, people. Fucking hide your kids tramptacular. I won't even bother with a picture for this one. Just know it involves my name.....and angel wings........and that it will be covered up eventually with a much more thought out tattoo.

My second tattoo is on the top of my left foot. It has made many appearances on this blog. It is of three hibiscus flowers. I have an obsession with the number three. Hibiscus and ranunculus are my favorite flowers. Yes. It hurt.

My Mom, Seester and I all have a matching tattoo of an anchor with the LVMPD badge on it. The anchor is for my Seester, who was in the Navy at the time. The badge for my Mom, who is a Detective....though now it also symbolizes Seester because she is a cop too. Don't get me started people. Mom & Step-Dad were cops and Dad a corrections officer. I never got away with anything.

I have a skull and cross bones with a bow on her head. That is located on the back of my neck. I got her after a bad break up. She always has my back.

I got an ampersand tattooed behind my right ear. This is my dweeb tattoo and I love it. My ampersand symbolizes my love and passion for literature, reading, writing, the English language. I'm obsessesed.

Liam's feet, actual size, are tattooed on my left wrist. My son is always with me. I got this tattoo two days after he passed. This tattoo was something I needed and I needed right at that very moment. It was so completely therapeutic and healing to get. This tattoo was essential to my healing process.

I recently started my tattoo project on my left arm. I have big plans for this arm. Eventually, my arm will be completely covered from shoulder to wrist. I may or may not have jacked Mandey, from Mama & the Dudes, idea about using birth month flowers. She forgives me though. Because it's a crazy awesome idea.

I have three types of flowers on this piece...so far. There will be more for people that mean something to me in my life. I plan to add flowers for each of my grandmothers, my father, my mother and more. It seemed fitting to start this tattoo with my two sons and I. The chrysanthemum, the largest of them all, is Collin's birth month flower. The poppies are Liam's birth moth flower. Lastly, the asters are my birth month flower. I love how this piece is progressing and cannot wait to add more over the years.

That's my tattoos. I'm a tattooed Mama and proud of my pieces of permanent art.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Survival

I survived this day. Each year, I fear August 24th. I dread it. And as it approaches, my heart rate increases, nervousness sets in and I become increasingly distant from those closest to me. Most friends would see this and allow the distancing. They would fear saying something that would cause me to cry. It is okay if I cry. It is okay to be sad. And it is okay to remember him and say, "happy birthday." Thankfully, I have some of the most amazing people in my life. Some of the most supportive people. People who know exactly what to say and more importantly, what not to say. People I care about more than they realize or can even imagine. This is my shout out to you guys. YOU got me through this day. Well, you and my super cool son. The one who refuses to leave the house without his dorktastical sunglasses.

Also to my Seester, who stayed up with me last night and, "practiced her acting skills," with my webcam. And who also had a cake and a card waiting for me when Collin and I got home last night.

We are sort of awesome. Don't hate.

Three

Today, at 3:06AM, Liam will turn three.

Well, he would have turned three.

And I would have snuck into his bedroom at exactly 3:06AM, breathed in his half baby/half toddler scent, ran my fingers through his hair, kissed his chubby little cheek & whispered, "happy birthday," to him before tucking him back into his blankets and sneakily backing back out of his bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind me.

But that will not happen today. Or any day.

There are so few people in this world who understand the pain of losing a child; a baby. But I have some of the most amazing family & friends. They have rallied behind me the past few days, knowing that I need the extra strength. For that, I am grateful.

I try to always be a happy & positive person. I try to make everyday full of smiles and I try to make everyone I see feel special. It is a lot of work. I firmly believe one chooses happiness. You do not just make it. You choose it. I choose it, every day. For Liam. I choose it for him.

But every year, this day is inevitable. And every year, I feel cracks in this happy demeanor. I life my life fully. I live my life trying to make it the happiest I can knowing Liam will never get that chance. When I get to Heaven, I want to be able to tell him about all the amazing thing I experienced. All the babies I snuggled in his memory. All of the people I met. The pictures I took to leave to the next generation of our family. All of the holidays I over embellished because....well, because they're holidays! They should be over celebrated! I want to be able to tell him I woke up every day & lived it with purpose and happiness in my heart. So I do. I genuinely do.

But this day I allow for sadness. I can't bear to fight it off. I fight it off every single day, all year long. This day, I am sad. And I am angry. And I hate the world for being unfair.

But at the end of this day, I will sneak into Collin's room, breathe in his half baby/half toddler scent, run my fingers through his hair, kiss his chubby little cheek & whisper, "I love you, sweet boy," before tucking him back into his blankets & sneakily backing out of his bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind me. And I will start the next day on purpose. Happy.

Happy birthday, Liam Bear. I miss you more today than yesterday.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The One Where I Complain About Mother's Day

I didn't blog about Mother's Day. This was intentional.

As the mother of a child who is gone from this world, holidays always have a hint of sadness attached to them.

...& for me, Mother's Day is the worst of those holidays.

It is a painful reminder that I have one more child to mother that is not being mothered. That I have only been half of the mother I should have been all year...because only half of my children are here. One is here. The other is not. And it's not fair. It's just plain not fair.

Here is a peek into my mental state on Mother's Day via Twitter:

....All this mother's day attention has the opposite effect on me. I just want to cry. Liam isn't here. I am alone. My to do list is a mile long.

....This is all that is keeping me from curling into a ball on my floor today. http://yfrog.com/h7op9vnj

....Mother' Day episode of Wonder Pets. I could throw a shoe at my TV right now. Cue tears in 3...2...1....

....Also...there is a mutant cockroach in my shower drain....& I have to meet my family in an hour.

....I really wish I wasn't so Grinchy about Mother's Day today.

Thankfully, I didn't curl into a ball. Thankfully, I have one of my sons here. Thankfully, he makes my heart fill with enough love for twelve children.

....& thankfully, Greg brought me home a card.

From Liam.

I hope we always do this for each other. No matter what happens. I hope we always remember to keep Liam alive through Mother's Day cards & Father's Day cards & birthday cakes. Cakes Collin blows out the candles for because big brother cannot.

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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Vloggin' Vednesday: A Room in Your House

Hey there, bloggers! It's Vloggin' Vednesday. Today's theme is: a room in your house. This is my contribution. Bad hair, shitastical makeup, huge zit & all. Don't forget to stop by Adeline's Daddy & link up at the partaaaaayyyyy.