I am sure you all have questions. I know I did. This baby was a completely unexpected surprise. It has been a crazy & rough month since finding out. Emotionally & mentally, I have been so drained & worried about everything. My family, what it means for J & I, what it means for Collin, my health. Pregnancy, for me, is not as simple as carrying a baby for nine months. No, for me it means a cerclage, numerous ultrasounds & perinatologist visits, daily Lovenox (blood thinner) injections & weekly progesterone injections. All to keep baby safe & sound inside my belly until it's time to come out. For those who are concerned or curious as to why my pregnancy requires so much intervention, you can read my son Liam's story here.
My pregnancy with Collin was difficult physically & hard on me emotionally. I knew once I saw the, "pregnant," sign flash in my face that this pregnancy would be the same. And this time I was in a completely different place in my personal life. J & I are not married, we live in different states & we both have children from previous relationships. But once I got over the shock & the disappointment in myself & J, I realized how much more love is in my life this time. Collin has been the sweetest big brother already. Clutching his, "baybee pitcher," all the time & taking it everywhere (ultrasounds photo). Exclaiming, "Oh! Baby sewwwww choot!!" whenever anyone will listen. J has been my rock & completely unwavering & supportive. Driving from California to Nevada for every appointment & kissing my tummy reassuringly when we are together. The girls are thrilled & Aiden, well, Aiden is too young to get it yet. There is so much love & support that I can't help but feel like everything will be okay.
J & I have decided to take this on together & move our families in together to create one big, crazy, blended family in J's house in Lucerne Valley, California. We are scared, yes, but happy. I knew shortly after I met J that I would be with him for the rest of my life & I knew I would want children in the future with him. It's happened sooner than I originally planned, but I firmly believe that we are given what God thinks we can handle. I trust Him & His plan for us & I know He has a plan for this child & our family. We both know things are going to be hard. So hard, but we also believe we can conquer whatever is thrown our way.
Collin's Dad & I have been communicating & problem solving through all of this amazingly well. He wasn't excited about the move, of course, but he was wonderful about us working together to create a new schedule for us that would benefit Collin & ensure he got time with his Daddy & Mama & new sibling. I am thankful that Greg & I have maintained a relationship where we can communicate & work together keeping Collin's best interests at heart. It's the hardest thing in the world separating from someone who you created a life with & even harder when that other person is combative or volatile (much like what J & I are struggling with on his end of things), so I am grateful that Greg & I never lose sight of what's important. Collin. And that we have come to an agreement on everything concerning Collin outside of a court room. Because really? No one loves or cares for Collin as much as we do; most certainly not a judge or lawyer whom has never soothed Collin during a long night with a fever, held him while he blew out his birthday candles or kissed an owie. This is why we have always made sure our efforts stay between us. Even when we disagree, we are committed to finding a solution together. I have much love for the father of my baby boy.
As you have probably gathered, this has been the cause for my Internetland absence as of late. This baby? Is kicking my rear end. Hard. Name the pregnancy symptom, I have it. Severe nausea & dry heaves, fatigue, sore boobs, food aversions, smell aversions, dry skin, acne like whoa, mood swings, nails that grow like they're on steroids, leg hair that rivals a Yeti & emotional outbursts. Oh & PS, my brother in law will be so thrilled that my chin hair has made a reappearance & the encore is no joke. But, I'm cool. Totally cool. In an OMGISTHATABEARDIMGROWING sort of way.
I am nearing the end of my first trimester & praying to the pregnancy Gods that all of this sickness will disappear with those first weeks. Because sister ain't doing nine months of hairy legged dry heaves.
Of course J & I will be creating some type of pregnancy series, so check back for updates & all the lovely details of my high risk pregnancy. Mmmmm, belly bruises from Lovenox. I bet you can't wait.
For now, we are taking things one day at a time...& today? Today calls for animal fries from In N Out.
