Mama's Day

I have always been holiday obsessed. I get this from my mother. We take the smallest holiday & create a giant celebration out of it.  I have some of the fondest memories of my mother doing over the top things for holidays & loved that our house was always decorated to the nines.

But since Liam, this holiday...Mother's Day, is the worst for me. It always reminds me I haven't mothered one child. That there is a baby I was supposed to mother, but didn't. I get sad about it. People always say all kinds of nice things, but no one can truly understand. No one....except my mother.

It was never a real topic in our family. But she lost a baby boy, too. My older brother. And now that I am a mother. One who has also had the terrible blow of a huge loss, I find myself with a different understanding of my mother.

I believe there is a different kind of appreciation for a baby after you've lost a child. It's...just different. You are overcome with this thankfulness. This realization of how short life is & what a true miracle it is to be holding your baby. Safely. Alive. Okay.

And realizing that my mother held me & kissed me & the thankfulness she felt for me when I was born...it's surreal. My heart breaks for her & myself. We both have a baby we silently shed a tear for on this day.

But we both also have so much joy. And we both learned to just love hard. Love hard.

I am to my mother what Collin is to me. A renewed sense of hope. A light in a dark, black tunnel. Joy where there was pain. Fulfillment where there was emptiness.

Collin is my entire world. Liam made me a mother. Collin gave me motherhood. It's mother's day. A day where we thank our Mama's & celebrate being a mother. But I find myself thanking Collin more often than not. For showing me how incredible & extraordinary life is. 

When he was pulled out & alive. Healthy. Screaming. Safe. I only remember tears. Of happiness & sorrow. Joy & sadness. Instantly, I knew I would do everything I could to protect this baby. My son. 

And I remembered my mother. Did she feel this way when I was placed safely in her arms? I am most certain she did. 

My mother & I will always share this silent connection. This invisible bond. And on this mother's day, I want her to know how much I love her. And how much I know my big brother meant to her. And that she has been an amazing mother in the best way she can. And she has loved. Hard.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you Mama's out there.