Three

Today, at 3:06AM, Liam will turn three.

Well, he would have turned three.

And I would have snuck into his bedroom at exactly 3:06AM, breathed in his half baby/half toddler scent, ran my fingers through his hair, kissed his chubby little cheek & whispered, "happy birthday," to him before tucking him back into his blankets and sneakily backing back out of his bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind me.

But that will not happen today. Or any day.

There are so few people in this world who understand the pain of losing a child; a baby. But I have some of the most amazing family & friends. They have rallied behind me the past few days, knowing that I need the extra strength. For that, I am grateful.

I try to always be a happy & positive person. I try to make everyday full of smiles and I try to make everyone I see feel special. It is a lot of work. I firmly believe one chooses happiness. You do not just make it. You choose it. I choose it, every day. For Liam. I choose it for him.

But every year, this day is inevitable. And every year, I feel cracks in this happy demeanor. I life my life fully. I live my life trying to make it the happiest I can knowing Liam will never get that chance. When I get to Heaven, I want to be able to tell him about all the amazing thing I experienced. All the babies I snuggled in his memory. All of the people I met. The pictures I took to leave to the next generation of our family. All of the holidays I over embellished because....well, because they're holidays! They should be over celebrated! I want to be able to tell him I woke up every day & lived it with purpose and happiness in my heart. So I do. I genuinely do.

But this day I allow for sadness. I can't bear to fight it off. I fight it off every single day, all year long. This day, I am sad. And I am angry. And I hate the world for being unfair.

But at the end of this day, I will sneak into Collin's room, breathe in his half baby/half toddler scent, run my fingers through his hair, kiss his chubby little cheek & whisper, "I love you, sweet boy," before tucking him back into his blankets & sneakily backing out of his bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind me. And I will start the next day on purpose. Happy.

Happy birthday, Liam Bear. I miss you more today than yesterday.