Packing for Baby...& Mama

Collin & I will be leaving extremely early in the morning for a flight to Michigan followed by a long drive to my hometown. My Dad bought us a plane ticket & we will be spending three glorious weeks with my family out there. We will also be there on the anniversary of Liam's second birthday, which means Mama & Collin will get to celebrate together at his grave! The only possible thing that could make this trip better is if my husband were able to come with me.

As exciting as this all is, I am the Procrastination Queen & saved all of my packing for tonight. Big mistake. This used to be something that was no big deal before Collin. Now, it's just plain overwhelming. There is so much to think about & remember when packing for your baby. Bottles, diapers, wipes, toys, bibs, clothes, jammies, baby powder, diaper cream in case he gets a rash, socks, shoes, baby lotion, bath wash...& oh, yeah! There's also myself to pack for as well!

My packing ritual used to be neat & tidy. Everything packed nicely the evening before. Tonight is a totally different story, everything is piled up on m bed in one giant mess & I am waiting for more laundry (told you, Procrastination Queen) to finish so I can stuff even more things into my suitcases!

I'm beginning to realize that being the Procrastination Queen does not mix well with being Super Mom. Hello 10:00PM; goodbye full night's sleep. Lesson learned!

Note: While I'm gone, I will have access to a computer & will be trying to blog. However, in case I forget about my blog in the midst of all the crazy fun I'm going to be having, I have lined up a guest blogger...possibly even two...for your reading pleasure! Keep your eyes peeled!

Nose Lovins

Collin & I have an amazing relationship. He loves playing with Mama. We have special activities that are just for me & him, but best of all, we have nose lovins. It's our private little thing; just Mama & Collin. Every morning, when I pull him out of his crib while he's jumping like a maniac, I give him a quick change (unless it's been a poopsplosion kind of night, but that's a whole other blog) & then it's time. He knows it & waits patiently for Mama to come in close & rub noses. He then shrieks with laughter & I pick him up to start the day in the best possible way. With baby laughs.

Even though Collin & I share these amazing moments & even though I don't doubt for a millisecond that we will have a strong relationship, I still find myself occasionally a teensy bit jealous of his relationship with Greg.

Maybe it's because when Daddy walks through the door after work, I suddenly become chopped liver & he wants nothing to do with Mama...or even nose lovins for that matter! I mean, who doesn't want nose lovins?! Maybe it's because he's more willing to take on new experiences when Daddy is by his side. Whatever the reason, I sometimes wish Collin would look at me with those adoring eyes.

At least that's the way I used to feel.

Today, Collin had his nine month well baby visit & Greg met us at the pediatrician's office. He hasn't missed a single appointment since Collin was born & he wanted to be there for it. I played with Collin in the waiting room until Greg arrived & I knew I would be cast aside again like last night's meatloaf. When we were called back & told to strip Collin down to just a dry diaper, he refused to hold still. Daddy was there & he wanted to play....now. After we took all of the necessary measurements (25 pounds, 12 ounces & 30.5 inches...I know, future football start, right?!) & we waited in the exam room for the doctor, Collin was All. Over. Daddy. I mean the kid was like a hopped up monkey. At first, I started to feel the familiar, "Why doesn't he want me to play?" & then I realized, Greg doesn't get nose lovins, he doesn't get Superman time (another Mama Collin ritual), he doesn't get the patient, sweet Collin during story time. Those are the moments Collin gives to me & me alone, just like he gives Greg the squeals & jungle gym legs. Daddy moments can be reserved for Daddy. I mean, we all could use our own, private moments with Collin, right?

In all honesty, I've always truly loved that Collin admires his Daddy so much. It makes me happy that they have such an awesome relationship already. I was never bothered by their interactions in the least. It just took this moment to make me realize that it didn't mean he loved Daddy more or that Daddy was the better parent. It just meant that he has a different kind of relationship with each of us. He needs a different relationship with each of us. After all, how could I be jealous when I get nose lovins?

August Rush

August is here.

This used to be a month filled with swimming pools & sticky, strawberry flavored fingers from melted popsicles.

This used to be the month filled with last minute barbecues & back to school preparations.

This used to be the month spent carefree & sucking in every last second of the Summer.

For me, August is no longer any of these things. For me, August is the month we lost our baby boy. August is when we lost Liam.

Things are different this year, though. This year, we have our little Goo Monkey. We have Collin. I have to admit, Collin helps to ease my pain with every smile & giggle; every cry & whimper.

I have a baby safe in my arms & I love him so incredibly much, but I still miss Liam. For everything that he was to us & for everything that he could have been.

However, I'm learning to let go of my anger & guilt. I'm learning that I can't change anything & that Liam did, in fact, live. Truly live. I'm learning that my life has to go on if his is going to mean anything.

"She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts." -George Elliot